Step 40: Take One Step At A Time

The vet who put Niles down called me out of the blue today to see how I was doing. It was curiously serendipitous timing, because I had tried calling a pet loss grief hotline late last night and was unable to get through to anyone. He listened patiently as I bawled my eyes out and relayed my regret over not saving Niles' ashes.

He then said to me that I shouldn't sweat it too much, and that I would not likely feel lifelong remorse over it.  He told me to take comfort in the fact that the hardest decision I had to make, which was the easiest one to screw up--whether to try and prolong Niles' life or not--was the most important one that I got right. He went on to say that he had known many people, himself included, who had tried to hold on to a beloved animal's life for far too long and for selfish reasons, to the detriment of their pet's wellbeing. When the time came for me to choose what was best for Niles, it was a no-brainer for me: I wanted what was best for him, and a dignified death was my parting gift to him.

It never really occurred to me that I would ever chose to prolong Niles' pain because I wasn't ready to let go. My job as his guardian was to make the right choices that he couldn't make for himself. I knew the grieving process would be hard, but seeing him in pain was by far the worse alternative. The vet said he had never seen a young woman make such a hard decision so bravely and decisively, and that he was so impressed with how I handled everything that he had relayed my situation to his coworkers and family members alike.

I have to remember that ashes are for the living, not the dead. Wherever Niles' remains are now, he's not alive to care. I have a lifetime of pictures, mementos and memories to remember him by; ultimately, all that really matters is not where his ashes are but that every second of his life was led in comfort and he was surrounded by love, so I will try and move forward without regret. And I will do as the vet told me, and take comfort in the fact that when the time came to make the hardest decision of all, I chose wisely.